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When I'm Wake Up In The Morning

When i was woken up in the morning...
God still believes me that he loved me and made me realize that there are still tasks that  before i finish,
I looked around and made sure that i was still in a state of their own,
A glimmer of light peeking through the curtain just playing guesses to determine the time,
Opening the window to feel the morning air and make sure that i'm still in the same life.

When i was woken up in the morning...
I sat  in front of the mirror and make sure that God has not disappeared from inside me,
Yes.... He is still shaping itself in me.
He assured that the face when i woke up was the best effort that already he strived to me according to his description.

When i was woken up in the morning...
I can still feel what i have in mine, what is the memories still to be my memories, what becomes my pain is still to be my pain.
I think about the things that appear in my dream last night but i don't know whether it was a dream or in bed i have to remain stuck with all that has happened in me.

When i was wokep up in the morning...
I just make sure that there are things that i forget that there are new things can i substitute for cover.
I just need to close my eyes and make sure that no part is reduced.
10 minutes?
No need...
Within seconds i still remember everything even without skipping the portions are small though.
He still haunts me and he is still trying to destroy me, still!!!

I tried to ignore all the things that i remember about him but he was always chasing me as if i was the most appropriate target for him to destroy.

Indeed... Yes !!!

Yes he should choose me because i would not let him trap the sixth with destruction.

He said about toughness,
He interpreted on the immense power of a physical force. Hand floating, floating objects, foot drift, grip strength, power presses,and it is toughness.

He said about an honestly,
He mean about making a storyline into a confession, made the scenario into a trust, to make a fraud into the arena looking for mercy, did not even existthe right things out of words.

He said about a loyalthy,
He mean about persisting at one wedding and give a chance for the other to survive in the marriage of others, teach others how to love and please him, to clonize a wonderful poet herself with a single man.

He tells about a love,
He was about loving other people perceive it in abundance to forget love what already belongs to him,
Ignoring the wonderful creatures that have been awarded to him,
Priority belongs to other people in order to be his's someday even cuold not remember how to love people who are always there with him.

He said about a faith,
He mean about leaving someone he already has in the faith and leave what the creator had given him, enough that one? No. He will do so a second time, made His name as a pointer to other people's weaknesses, making His name as a form of weakness himself to deceive other people he did not even remember how he should do things according to faith.

I love him?

I love him so much so that this second i dont know how to forget all about it.
This love reminds me of everything that i know why i can be so hated him.

He does not say it but i understand that he feels what i feel, 
He loves me very much and his love make him really hated me.

When i was a kid..
I could not understand how he can be hard, but i also can not understand how i can get a crack that he showed plenty of affection was so great to me, so big that he did not how a good way to establish me as he wants.

He once reminded God's will as a woman who would later become a wife and a mother,
He reminded me how should I do it and how should I devote it,
He told of his sorrow between negligible and needs that continue to force,
He showed his love excessive included excessive actions to his women,
He's crazy and too busy to think about it and was too busy to stop it,
Too much and too out of control until he did not know that the destruction was created,
Years so he does not remember what things had he miss sake think of one thing he considers more important among everything else that he had,
He does not remember which initially do not even know how to fix the destruction they had created,
Selfishness master them.

They see ...
They read the situation and it's been like a newspaper circular to be talks publicly.
They had said things may be true and may be wrong.
They are learning to narrate a theme.
They were watching and enjoying the destruction that I never thought would happen.

Why not?
It has been too long to happen but it's just a poison circulating inside, eventually the flow of water and air circulate the poison to public.

How many years?
I've never seen it again.
Never heard his voice, never know how things work, never feel again how the warmth of his embrace, never feel again how he kissed me, how he picked me up, never sit together and see how he is eating so greedily, never saw the way seats, which so quiet, never even saw him sleeping during the morning break I went into his room.
My God ...
I never even saw smiles and his laughter again.
And that hurts because i still remember it.

Middle aged women that always reminded me of a wedding,
Husband and childrens.
I do not blame her because they remind me of that.
No ... !!!
She is just does not understand what is happening inside of me because of him.
I assured him that I grew well without making guilty of what she had done with my growing up.
She was not aware of it and he convinced himself that she had done proper.
Trying to fool me?
Too bad, I step closer to hurt myself before other people really destroyed me.

I'll be mediocre ...I'm going to live a normal life ...
I'll try better ...
I will make it a learning ...
I will equip myself for the better ...
I will show that I did not have to inherit it ...
I'll create a story with a beginning and a better finish to memories for my offspring ...

When I was waking up in the morning ...I realized that I did not remove any trace of whatever happens inside me.
I realized that I still wrap everything well in my memory.
I realized that I would not create any new story.
I realized I was not as strong as I expected and not as strong as I point out.
I realized that I still use the same mask to go out and come back the next mirror with the same face.
I realized that the strength only of myself because millions of people out there trying hard to blow my mind.
I realized that I would remain in his circle and thought of all his people just want to hurt me like he has gotten hurt.

I could feel it and I feel it,
Too much...
Too very much ...
In fact they are scrambling to get their turn.
In the end I realized I had to be victim who inherit their destruction.
But can just me? Can the other five escaped?
I will replace it and they will move faster and better than me.

I realize that I'm just grateful that I still woke up in the morning.

 Fransischa Bintang Theresia Nainggolan


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